Brain Matter

I can't tell you that I'm the smartest, the strongest, funniest, or wisest person. I couldn't tell you that I'm the bravest or most out-spoken (and to this day these two faults still cause problems in personal relationships. Or, rather not problems, but perhaps annoyances). But I can also be a good friend. I can't prove that to some anymore, those few who refuse to believe that I am nothing but a "bossy... childish... manipulative... cunt".

If you read that last bit and agree with this completely astonishingly spiteful, bitter and insulting opinion of me, then you have no place in my life. Period. I can be loyal but only if loyalty is given in return. I can have respect and trust for you but only if it is reciprocated. I am not the "Go to" friend that you only go to when you break up with your boyfriends and girlfriends, when you suddenly decide you are bored of the people in your life and think of me as "the back up". I have never been, am not, and never will be "the back up plan".

Whenever a fight ensues with someone and the end finally comes, I pocket the feelings. The stress, the grief, the happiness from the memories of the good parts of the friendship, and other feelings. And it feels heavy. So very heavy. It's hard to forget it sometimes and I am almost coaxed into pulling it back out into the open and starting new again. But with some that can't happen. So I leave it all there, it becomes something you get used to and every once in a while I go back and I think: "Ah... that." And it's fine.

With anyone I've ever ended a friendship with there are reasons as to why. Things I hated about them, things that caused me such pain and grief, things that outright disgusted me... but there are the things I loved about them too. And those are the things I don't regret being around. Today I'm happy with the family of friends that I have, for the moment. It is enough. I can do without the drama, I can do without love triangles, hate triangles, Bermuda triangles and acute triangles. I can live without grinding teeth, raised voices, spiteful remarks, avoidance, and any hell spawn attitude (including but not limited to spiked tongues of slander, bulging eyes of judgement, horns of pain and talons that rip your soul apart).

The past few days have been weird (including racing heartbeats, tears and a few doctor appointments). While encouragement and care from my friends is always welcome and appreciated, I need to take care of myself for now. No one can do it for me. I've know this for a long time but haven't acted on that knowledge. "Practice makes perfect" as they say. For now I have to get my life in check, call family often,  realize what friends mean most to me, maintain and nurture those relationships, maintain my grades in school and my overall health.

For now, I'm ok.

Be good and eat your vegetables.